WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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