My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
