is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I would fuck him just for his dog
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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