so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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