I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
