just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
