I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
