I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
