You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
