Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
