this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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