Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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