I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
