my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
In America we eat man semen.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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