Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
