woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We left the knife in your bed.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
