i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's never too late to be topless.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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