o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
