We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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