i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
