I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
