She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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