Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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