if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
