I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
