sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize