her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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