I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize