My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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