If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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