Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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