mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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