if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize