when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
NoShamevember. You game?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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