My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
