Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
