my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize