i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
