Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
