we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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