Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
