it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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