i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
