also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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