News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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