You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
