My cat gives me a boner
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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