I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
