I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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