You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
