Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
