Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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