Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
