woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize