she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
