I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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