FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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