just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
