its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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