Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
